4:00 AM SEO: tips and tricks for early-morning internet conquest

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“You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to beat Google.”

Well good job, Gennevene. You did it.

It’s 3:42 a.m.

You roll out of bed, slippers afoot and what of blankets? Nary a threadcount¬†caresses you now. No. You make a pot of coffee. The water is precisely¬†200 degrees. Fahrenheit or Celsius: it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you’ve done it. You’ve beat Google at their own game.

By getting up early, before 4 o’clock morning time, you’ve outwitted Google, roosters, and the entire Google superinfrastructure of our time. You have a narrow window of opportunity. Use it.

Here’s how:

1. Fake Google out with a balloon sun

Nobody falls for a balloon sun like a sleepy Google. Tie a yellow balloon to the horizon (label it “sun” with a meta description) and fly it high above your computer. This way when Google wakes up, it will see the balloon instead of the sun. Balloons are not as bright as the sun* so Google will think, “Hm the sun is not bright right now. It must still be time for a sleep.”

That’s when you’ve got them. Take this chance to change all your rankings to #1. Just flip through Google and set everything related to your site to #1 and presto! You win!

Note: this only works when Google is in “sleep mode.” Tampering with Google may be construed as offensive so exercise care.

*except some balloons

2. Make an egg

Most of the time Google takes its sweet time rousing itself. And by the time it has checked the hottest social network and discovered what is Facebooks, it’s time to milk the morning cow.

Now’s your chance!

Sneak into the internet kitchen and fetch some Web yolk. Remember the udder: it’s going to take Google some time to fully grip the plump secretion of rankings. So get crackin!

3. Tricky pre-dawn snakes

Want to keep Google occupied? Throw a few vipers and cobras into his bedroom at 4 a.m.

This will give the snakes time to learn their surroundings. The slithering with soothe Google, lulling it into post-REM slumber like never before!

Then when Google wakes up there will be a small phase of frightening. A scream? Definitely. Use that scream as an alert: this is the time to get out of there with your rankings while you still can!

Plus the snakes will eat any miscellaneous mice in the room: a true win-win!

There you have it!

Nobody beats google like an early bird. Tweet tweet! That’s you!

Welcome to 4:00 a.m. Sleep wasn’t worth it. Only Web dominance was worth it.