best list of ranking factors nobody is talking about

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What are you doing right now?

If you didn’t answer, “ranking #1 for every single keyword,” get out of my way.

This is how you rank for keywords. Google has many factors, and it churns out more with every passing day. Soon there will be a pile of factors that help you ascend to the top of Google whether you like it or not. We sent a scout bot into Google’s algorithms to find all the ranking factors and then consolidate them into a list of only the best, most vital facors. And this, barges and galleons, is the best of the pile:

  1. Words. You can’t have keywords without words. Otherwise you would be left with a dreary mist of lackluster aspirations, always attempting to be read or spoken but never verbalized. O the folly.
  2. Letters. Our deep crawl of Google’s internal mainframe revealed that not only words, but also letters are importantly vital to rank. Every letter is a factor. The more letters, the more factors.
  3. Wave frequencies. Light is a series of waves. Sound is a series of waves. Even feminism is a series of waves. What is between those waves? Frequency. Have a good frequency and you will no doubt climb Google’s hillocks of success. (Confirmed by Jonathan Mu.)
  4. Emojis. Speaking of waves, even wave-startup Spotify had an emoji once, and look where that got them. Every single jingle rapper in the world is envious of Spotify, turning green with envy—but not just any green: SPOTIFY GREEN with envy!
  5. Dragons. No game of thrones would be complete without a few dazzlingly reptillian ranking factors! Ever wonder why ad sales bros are always talking about the “lizard brain?” You guessed it: dragons are a popular ranking factor and key to the SEO success of HBO’s hit series of cable waves. (Remember point number three.)
  6. Snakes. Don’t let dragons distract you from the true ranking factors before they slither away. Why do you think they’re called SERP-ents? That’s why!
  7. Dadbod links. Links come in all shapes and sizes, and all of them are equally beautiful. But a few dadbod links definitely count as a factor. Don’t rule them out.
  8. Domain authoritarian. Will you allow Google to boss you around like a chump or will you champ up? (For those of you who don’t understand this sentence, take this online free quiz.) Google is a powerful company. It respects powerful factors. Once your domain authority reaches levels of 90 or above you are eligible to become a domain authoritarian and begin ruling your SERPs with an iron clump of hand.
  9. Those are the best factors to rank. Enjoy!