Bloggers: discover your inner animal instincts

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If you’re a blogger, there’s one thing you can do to instantly increase your SEO success: discover your inner animal instincts. The Google respects fierce animal instincts and shuns everyone who refuses to acknowledge them. But it’s better to have any animal instincts at all than no animal instincts. As the saying goes, the Google likes a lamprey who knows they’re a lamprey better than the lion who is hidden away and never let out of his cage.

Here’s how to discover your inner animal (the true source of your blogging power and enhanced SEO):

  1. Start by looking at your hair color. If your hair is red, you are a fox. If your hair is black, you are a bear. If you have no hair, you are a worm.
  2. How would you describe your average blog posts? If they are very long, you are a tall animal, like a giraffe. If they are very short, you are like a mouse. Plump blog posts might mean you are a blue whale. Finally, industrious blog posts are usually from authors who are ants.
  3. If you still don’t know your inner animal, you should think about how you treat the taxi driver. If you beat or otherwise maim the taxi driver with a stick or a sword, you are likely a jaguar who wants to intimidate others. If you kiss (or lick)  the taxi driver, you are likely a puppy. If you refuse to tip your taxi driver, you are a vulture, looking to take advantage of other people’s misfortune for your own gain.

How do I leverage my inner animal for SEO success?

You must embrace your inner animal. First, visit Wikipedia and read the entire article about your animal. Then, do a Google Images search. You need to know what your animal thinks about, how it eats, how it mates, how it behaves in stressful situations, and what color its ears are.

You must keep all of this in mind when you write your blog posts. It may help you to act like the animal in real life. Worms can start by zipping themselves in sleeping bags and wiggling on the floor, the blue whale should float in a swimming pool for at least 10 hours a day while eating more than 10,000 calories, and giraffes should permanently attach stilts to their legs. With these tips, you will soon be thinking like your inner animal and reaping the benefits from your newly found animal instincts whenever you write a new post.

Remember: the Google loves a blogger who understands their inner animal. All you have to do is bring yours to the surface—then you will finally find SEO success.

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